


Sorry, For the Selfish Self of Mine

by writersstudy



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Broken!Showhyuk, Drowning, M/M, Sad!Shownu, Suicide, read with a grain of salt and be careful of your triggers, this is not a happy story whatsoever okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 17:50:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12281472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writersstudy/pseuds/writersstudy
Summary: He's been getting better over the last few weeks.Playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLNBNK7GRfym9COgmgv2L7Cbi8xwofve2uTitle taken from Sorry by The Rose





	Sorry, For the Selfish Self of Mine

He's been getting better over the last few months. He isn't crying every day anymore. In fact, he hasn't cried at all in the last three weeks. Maybe that's why he was set off so easily tonight.

It really hadn't been anything huge. Hyunwoo had decided to finally give the apartment the deep clean it deserved after his months of grief. Most of Minhyuk's trinkets were gone from the common areas, thanks to Hoseok. The younger man had been not-so-slyly taking something with him every time he came over. Those areas were easier to handle, so Hyunwoo did those first and saved the bedroom for last.

The first thing he had done was strip the bed. He couldn't remember the last time he had washed the sheets. As it was, the scent of Minhyuk's cologne and shampoo were gone from the pillows.

So he had stripped the bed and thrown it all in the washing machine. He'd found Minhyuk's stress ball - which was really a sock with rice in it - but he'd been able to push himself past that one easily enough.

He'd then put away all his clean laundry so he would have somewhere to store the dirty. It was getting late in the afternoon and the house was getting chilly, so he'd grabbed a random hoodie to throw on without thinking. It wasn't until the garment was on and he'd subconsciously pressed his nose into the fabric that he realized.

The hoodie still smelled like Minhyuk. It had been his favorite and Hyunwoo could never bring himself to wash the younger man's scent out of it.

He'd sat down on the edge of the bed as it all hit him like a truck. There was no bringing his boyfriend back. That much he had known. He had come to accept that, mostly. But now he was being presented with such a purely preserved part of his lover and it brought all the raw pain rushing back.

Hyunwoo always blamed himself for Minhyuk's death. His boyfriend had been the cheeriest, most positive person he had ever known, and he should've known that couldn't be healthy. Over the year and a half they'd been dating, Hyunwoo hadn't seen the younger cry, really truly cry, even once. Sure, there were the light tears shed at sad movies and that one ASPCA commercial, but he'd never seen Minhyuk's emotions really give out. If Hyunwoo thought he was an expert at suppressing, his boyfriend was the champion.

They'd met in Hyunwoo's last few weeks of college and had hit it off right away, transitioning to dating within just a few nights out. Everything had moved at a quick pace for them, but that was Minhyuk, never slowing down for anyone. For what it's worth, it had all felt right to Hyunwoo too.

They moved in together around their one-year anniversary, right after Hyunwoo had secured a well-paying job in his field. Unfortunately, the position came with a heavy workload, one that kept him away from his lover more than he would like.

To this day, he had no idea how long Minhyuk had laid in that cold water. The coroner had tried to tell him, but Hyunwoo wouldn't hear it. All he knew was that if he had come home on time like he'd promised, Minhyuk would never have gotten in the tub in the first place.

Of course, it was officially ruled an accidental drowning, but Hyunwoo knew Minhyuk. He knew that the younger was too careful to let that just happen.

Hyunwoo hadn't called anyone at first. He'd been in too much shock. He really could remember it like it had happened just yesterday.

He had stopped to buy flowers and Minhyuk's favorite cake on the way home, apology gifts for staying at work hours after he'd promised to be home. His boyfriend was nowhere to be found when he got home, but he knew that the younger wouldn't be in bed yet, despite it being close to midnight. The flowers and cake had been left on the counter while Hyunwoo had gone in search of his love.

It was easy enough to figure out that Minhyuk must be in their bedroom or the bathroom. A quick peek in revealed that he wasn't in bed and the bathroom door was closed, so Hyunwoo had walked over and knocked before turning the handle.

The fact that it was locked was the first sign of something wrong. Hyunwoo had jiggled it a few more times, knowing that the door stuck sometimes, but it was no use. He hit the door harder, calling Minhyuk's name with no response. Finally, Hyunwoo took a step back and rammed the door open with his shoulder.

A cold feeling of terror had washed over him at the sight of his boyfriend's pale body curled at the bottom of the filled tub, still fully clothed. Hyunwoo had stood frozen for a minute before it suddenly hit him that he needed to do something. He had dragged Minhyuk's body from the tub and laid him on the ground, alternately shaking his shoulders and pounding on his chest, anything to unearth the water from the younger man's lungs. Even as he did so, he knew it was no use. Minhyuk had obviously been submerged for hours, if the temperature of his skin and the swollen state of his cheeks were any indication.

Hyunwoo has no idea how long it had taken his desperation to give way to despair. Really, he doesn't remember much of the rest of the night. He does vaguely remember collapsing half on top of Minhyuk, sobbing his eyes out. The younger was too cold and too wet, but he still smelled like himself and it only made Hyunwoo cry harder.

He'd apparently stayed like that all night and all through the next day, passed out on top of Minhyuk's body, until Hoseok had come over. Hyunwoo hadn't responded to any of his texts and the younger man was worried. When the cops and paramedics had finally been called, Hyunwoo was too weak and dehydrated to even try to stop them from separating him from his boyfriend. He hadn't noticed until after the paramedics had taken him away that Minhyuk had had a picture of the two of them clutched in his hand.

The week between Minhyuk's death and his funeral was a blur. Hyunwoo had almost no hand in planning it at all, had left it to Hoseok and Kihyun instead. He'd spent the entire week holed up in his room, leaking tears onto Minhyuk's pillow. Not even Hoseok could get him to move or eat. Hell, he hadn't even changed out of his suit. The flowers wilted and died and the cake went stale on the counter.

Kihyun had forcibly brushed Hyunwoo's hair and made him somewhat presentable for the funeral, even if he still couldn't get the older man to change. At the event itself, Hyunwoo sat silently in the front row, staring straight ahead. Everyone who stopped to pay their condolences to him was met with a blank stare of confusion and sorrow, as if he still couldn't grasp the fact that Minhyuk wasn't coming back.

There had been a small reception after the burial. Hyunwoo sat by himself off to the side with a glass of whiskey clutched in his fist, untouched. At one point, Minhyuk's younger brother had come over and thrown his drink in Hyunwoo's face. The older man hadn't flinched. He merely laid a hand on the boy's back as he crouched next to his chair, tears streaming down his cheeks.

He thinks of all this now as he sits crying over a sock full of rice and his own hoodie. It had been four months and he still didn't know what to do without Minhyuk. He'd lost his job just a few weeks after the younger man's death, unable to work up the energy to go into the office anymore. He was lucky that his savings were enough to cover rent for the last few months. He had thought that he was getting better, as he was spending fewer nights crying himself to sleep, but it all came rushing back to him along with the stupid sweatshirt.

It was funny, actually. He either felt everything at once, or nothing at all. Kihyun had been suggesting that he start seeing a therapist, and he knew it was probably the smartest choice, but he didn't want anyone else to see him so vulnerable. That was a part of himself he had only ever shown to Minhyuk.

Wiping his eyes with his sweatshirt sleeves, Hyunwoo stood and made his way to the bathroom. He pushed said sleeves up and ran the sink, splashing his face with cold water to soothe some of the redness and swelling. Out of the corner of his eyes, he spied the orange bottle still halfway filled with Minhyuk's sleep aids. With a heavy sigh, he picked it up, studying the label.

Hyunwoo could hear the door open and Hoseok call his name. With another sigh, he put the bottle back down. Maybe another day.

 


End file.
